"I never realized how much I had gone through and how much it affected me. In the summer of 2021 I lost multiple friends to an attack while they were deployed in Afghanistan. That incident took me down a really dark path and left me there for years. It started with isolating from everyone and refusing to talk about my feelings and what I was going through. I felt responsible and guilty but there was nothing that I could do. My friends were gone and I was still here. I didn't notice it at first. I was sad and grieving but I was just fine and I was moving on - or so I told myself. I quickly found myself going down the path of alcohol and substance abuse. I was drinking nearly every day at work at home and everywhere in between. The darkness only got worse. It took me deeper and farther and I refused the help that I was being offered. At this point all I wanted to do was die. But it became my personality for the most part. I knew there was more behind how I was feeling but none of it was as socially acceptable and losing friends to military service. That didn't make me feel weak or ashamed. I felt like I could express that losing my friends hurt me but I couldn't express that my cousin sexually assaulted and raped me or that I had religious traumas and abandonment issues or that my family dynamic was slowly killing me. All of those felt too real. Those felt too personal and too embarrassing so I kept them locked away while working with my therapist on my friends and how I missed them. It took me years to realize that I would never heal if I only wanted one part of me to heal. I had to be willing to face and confront my deepest pains and most embarrassing parts if I was ever going to heal and get to where I wanted to be. It's been incredibly difficult and there's still so much work left but it's worth it! The setbacks come and progress isn't perfectly linear but making any progress is worth it. Im so glad that I was able to find the strength to acknowledge all of the issues and hurt and started to truly work towards healing. Im glad that I was able to accept that it's not embarrassing to be hurt. It's not something to be ashamed of. It's just something that has happened. Hiding behind the embarrassment that I felt for so long kept me in such a bad place. It's not embarrassing to find help and find healing."
-Anonymous
