029: You Don't Have to Take On the World Alone

"I was 12 y/o, walking down the street and thought to myself, "If I jumped in front of a passing car, it would finally be over". I wouldn't have to fight anymore, wouldn't have to feel this pain anymore. After a lifetime (12 years) of abuse and neglect, I was ready to end it. My mom was BPD, depressed, and an addict. By the time I was 10, I was raising myself. I would get myself up and to school everyday. Every afternoon I would come home to my mom either asleep or drunk/high. She would tell me how I was a mistake and shouldn't be alive, how she didn't love me, threatened and sometimes tried to commit suicide. I would stay up with her making sure she didn't kill herself, finally going to sleep after she did. Then I would wake up the next day and do it again.

Finally, some family friends intervened and I was able to live in a stable environment through my teens with people that loved me. But, when you've only ever know abuse and mistreatment, your brain is wired for it. Even though I had people in my life that loved me and I was out of that situation, the damage was done. I struggled with depression and anxiety as a teen, not even knowing that's what it was. I got into an abusive relationship at 14, further adding to my existing trauma.

Once I was 19 and on my own, I buckled down to focus on my future and myself. I knew that if I didn't "heal", I would continue to be unhappy and get into bad relationships.

But in my mid 20's, I got back into another abusive relationship, and this one took everything from me. All of the the self-esteem, confidence, and self worth I had built was gone. But most of all, I was ashamed that I let it happen again. I thought that I had worked through everything and that I was "healed". But I failed, I wasn't good enough I told myself.

I had no more will to live, depression and anxiety were at an all time high. If life only lead to pain, then what's the point?

I reached out to my loved ones and they were able to help me get back on track. I made some lifestyle changes that helped with the depression and anxiety, determined to not keep repeating the cycle. I met my current partner after having done a lot of work on myself. I was managing and doing well overall. But it didn't take long for the trauma to resurface. I didn't know how to be in a healthy relationship because I've only ever known chaos and abuse- the healthy relationship felt threatening. Things that I thought I had worked through were back. I was ashamed. Once again I failed, I wasn't good enough.

The depression came to a breaking point. I would wake up crying, couldn't get out of bed, couldn't work, had no desire to do anything. I would rely on exercise to get me though each day, developing disordered relationships with exercise and food. I could see the toll this was taking on myself and my relationships.

I finally asked for help at 28 y/o and was officially diagnosed with depression and PTSD. I felt seen for the first time in my life. I had an answer for what I was experiencing, and it wasn't just me not trying hard enough to be happy. I was put on medication, and my life changed. Before, my emotions were only black and white, and I was finally feeling in color for the first time.

I've been in therapy since then. I've learned how to ask for help, and that I don't have to take on the world alone. I still have days that are a struggle, but that's not most days. At 30 y/o I'm feeling the sunshine for the first time, and am grateful that I chose to persist. I didn't know that life could feel this good. It's never too late to ask for help. It gets better, I promise."

-Anonymous