031: I Still Struggle to See How This Wasn’t My Own Fault

"In college I started dating someone that did not value me as a person. He used me for sex and was mentally abusive making me feel inadequate, ugly, stupid, and worthless. He continually slept with other people but made me feel like it was because I wasn’t enough. I felt like I should move on from the situation. I distanced myself and began trying to find someone that would care for me. I found someone I liked but could not get away from my abuser completely. He found out I had been seeing someone else and began posting nude photos of me, my full name, and my address on a public forum that everyone in the area had access to. So many people saw me vulnerable. So many disgusting people sent me awful messages. Still, I felt this was my own fault. I had caused this to happen. I cried out of embarrassment but still felt I needed him in my life. He used this vulnerability to make me do things sexually that I had not been willing to do previously. I had never felt so low..so broken I was a shell of my former self. When I was finally able to break away from this (1.5 years later), I began to deal with the issues that follow me 10 years later. I have severe trust issues. I struggle with my self confidence and worth. I have severe social anxiety that every person I see has seen my pictures or I worry what they think of me. I still struggle to see how this wasn’t my own fault.

I am married now and my husband is the only person who knows this full story. He understands my anxiety and frustration. There are so many wonderful people in this world that can make you feel seen and loved..even if you feel broken."

-Anonymous