"The idea of suicide always seemed to be familiar to me. I remember the first clear thought of the option in fifth grade. I wouldn’t come close to an attempt until college. I remember the anger and shame I felt that night. Instead of taking the pills I took off running and sobbing. What am I doing? I remember asking myself. I don’t really care what anyone wants from me besides Snoopy (my dog, Miss u buddy). I called the suicide hot line as I was running away and was put on hold. For better or worse the stupid fucking hold music, and being put on hold in crisis, made me laugh. The thought “what am I doing?” Came back again but much softer. What went wrong? What do I need that isn’t happening? Now a few years have passed and the thoughts ebb and flow. Instead of them sending me into crisis they are strong messages that I need to stop and re evaluate. They are still extremely angering and shameful but are less scary. I live for myself now instead of to please others. I am honest of where I am at with everyone and take the help I am offered and ask for more if need be. My life is not worth a job, any amount of money, any relationship, etc. this life of mine is priceless and I fight to keep my head above water. I am certain there will be peace again even with the background noise. I am so incredibly proud to say I will be graduating with my Master’s in Counseling Psychology in a month and will be able to care for people in places such as myself and so much heavier. It’s an honor to be able to do this work all the while healing something inside myself."
-Anonymous
