"My psychiatrist, who I love dearly and has helped me so much, reminds me that she's most worried about me when I feel hopeless. When I feel like there's no way out.
There are so many days when I don't understand the point of anything.
My life is a mess. I'm not doing what I want, living where I want, and surrounding myself with the people I want to be around. "Person, place, thing." Well, I have none of those.
Based on my individual circumstances, I have a lot of hurdles to get over until I can make changes (affordable housing as a single person, a job that pays enough but that doesn't make me feel like I am selling my soul). I really am trying; as much as I want to stay in bed all day, I have high functioning depression. I go through motions. Sometimes they help (fake it til you make it), but the scary part is this feeling always comes back. I've felt it since I was a kid.
I am so lonely all the time. Everyone else has someone who comes before me. I'm not anyone's first choice, and I never have been. I truly believe no one loves me, no one ever will, and if I died, no one would care. I think people might be sad in theory, but 99% of people in my life would just move on and barely anything would be different for them.
Then there are days when I catch up with an old friend or I watch the sunrise at work or I feel like I made someone's day a little bit brighter by saying hi or smiling. Or I marvel at the magnificence of nature and the beauty of the earth. Or I am stunned by a piece of art or music. "Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?", writes Mary Oliver. There ARE days when that is enough.
But they are fleeting and I'm mostly overwhelmed by sadness and loneliness. And I know "we're not alone," but when I want someone to run errands with me or someone to hug me when I've had a hard day and tell me they love me or someone to help me pick out a paint color for a wall-- everyone is busy, so I have to do those things alone. And no one wraps their arms around me and squeezes me like they never want to let me go.
Humans are social and are wired for deep connection. And yet I'm never chosen. I try to stay positive, and I'm working so hard to break old patterns and be grateful and see the good. And I know I'm lucky in so many ways.
But this feeling is so awful, and so frequent. Even the best moments of my life barely even out the negative. And who wants to keep feeling like this? I don't.
But I don't know how to make it stop."
-Anonymous
