"My story starts after the birth of my first child. I experienced postpartum depression on what I would consider a moderate level. I started medication, but because it was brief I was then off medication in a matter of months and as with anything birth-related my brain conveniently forgot that it even occurred. In my second pregnancy a few years later, the unimaginable happened and I was faced with the impossible task of needing to terminate the pregnancy at 20 weeks (a medical problem with the baby). The loss of the baby and the resurgence of postpartum made me suicidal. I think the only thing that kept me from it was not wanting my son to lose his mother. I again went on medication, which didn’t seem to help this time around. I was able to hang on for 6 months though and got pregnant again. The hormones of pregnancy provided the break I needed mentally, but 3 months in my partner confessed to habitual infidelity and was planning to leave me for his current side piece. He ended up staying and I won’t get into why I didn’t have the courage to leave at that point. The remaining pregnancy was a nightmare. I was a robot focused on survival. I was unhealthy, could barely eat, and constantly afraid of being abandoned. I didn’t feel comfortable using medication while being pregnant, but I did start talk therapy (finally!). I used my kids to keep me from considering self harm again but it took 4 more years of therapy, and my discovery of weightlifting to get mentally well. I got a divorce, cut off a toxic friendship and felt like my true authentic self for the first time in over a decade. I often think back on that period with gratitude despite the suffering. I would not have the amazing life I have now, nor know how resilient I am without that."
-Anonymous
