MHA: Share Your Story

"2 1/2 years ago I had a very traumatic birth that was completely unexpected. I was misdiagnosed and had no idea of underlying symptoms that were completely missed. I gained over 65 pounds in that pregnancy and was so stuck postpartum. I developed postpartum anxiety and postpartum depression, and nobody talked about it. I knew I wasn’t alone, but nobody opened up about their struggles so I had nobody to talk to. I lost myself as a mom because I could not perform in the gym how I did pre-pregnancy and that was my outlet. I pushed myself thinking I had to get back to where I was pre-pregnancy because that’s all I knew. Nobody talks about becoming a new, different version of yourself postpartum in a full positive light. All I was seeing was the bounce back culture and I strived for that. I had no idea what kind of damage that was going to do to my mental health until I pushed myself way too far and I completely shattered my ACL. Once that happened, I was done for. My mental health was already low, and I hit an absolute rock bottom. I had no idea who I was because my outlet was gone. The form of working out that I knew I needed to do to help get me back in shape, was unattainable at that time. I took my anger and my sadness out with food. The weight took a toll on me, physically and mentally… I was trying to recover from multiple things and I knew I could not do it all at once. And I just kept a smile on my face for the longest time because I had no idea how to be healthy because I kept getting hit down time after time and I just accepted it. It wasn’t until your last launch of the mental health collection and basically looking at me after I thanked you for letting me be a part of your photo shoot because I was so insecure about my postpartum and healing from ACL surgery body… You said “every body is accepted, no matter what and every body is beautiful.” I don’t think you understand what I did for my mental health that day. And I don’t think I ever truly thanked you. Because after that, I reached back out to my nutritionist, and I got my ass back to someone and someone who I was finally proud of again. I had the motivation to try again, and I have not felt that sense of belonging and acceptance in a very long time. I truly feel that you helped me in gaining my confidence back and actually allowed me to truly be happy." -Britni Denney

"This one is a little more Lifting oriented. I started weightlifting and it unintentionally saved me from a bad place. I was about 12/13 years old when the major covid lockdown happened. No school, no socialising and a complete change is normal life style. This took a massive toll on my mental health. At the time I was undiagnosed autistic so that sudden change and lack of structure with society changing without my control left me spiralling. None of my friends of peers seemed to understand why this time was soo hard for me. I should have been happy to not need to go into school but I was miserable the entire time. I stated weightlifting in 2022 when coming out of the pandemic era and back to reality. The structure training gave me and a new found love for sport I never had in school saved me from those dark times stuck at home. I found my village through weightlifting and I am forever grateful to have been exposed to this sport. Weightlifting continues to save me now everyday and lifts me up at the times I need it most." -Anonymous 

"I worked in critical care during the COVID pandemic. It was a never ending revolving door of sick people. I saw numerous people die, resuscitated many, but all throughout it felt as though our efforts were all for naught. We worked so hard, but the patients just got sicker and sicker. I took care of families that inevitably ended up in my ICU. I worked almost every day of the week for 2 years, switched back and forth between days and nights; I let myself go, stopped exercising, stopped caring.  Life just felt so pointless and I lost track of my why when everything just felt so bleak. It took a trip to the emergency room, several years of rebuilding good habits (and medications), plus finding my purpose in this dark world again to come out stronger." -Anonymous

"It took me about 3 hours just to write out the below. I'm sure you know words are tough. I've battled with my own mental health for as long as I can really remember. I had a fairly standard upbringing and, besides a pretty run of the mill parental divorce when I was still a toddler, couldn't point to any great trauma or trigger - which always led to an overwhelming sense of guilt for being anything other than a happy kid. I started SH'ing at age 12. It came in waves but I struggled intermittently through to around age 18 or 19, where I sort of scared myself out of it. Thankfully I'm 34 now and have never gone back there since, but I don't think I ever stopped struggling. I was on-and-off a few different medications throughout my 20s, some worked but some made it worse. I went through a really toxic relationship that put me in a deep hole and even gave me stress-induced alopecia (it came back, I still look great). For a very long time, up until maybe 6-8 months ago I had thoughts of ending my life on a near daily basis. I didn't make plans, I didnt have real intention, but I couldn't get away from it. I was always so certain that, eventually, whenever it finally happened, that would be how I would go. When it was really bad, I sometimes had to pull my car to the side of the road because the thought of steering into oncoming traffic was getting too intrusive. I went to sleep at night thinking about how I could do it in a way that would minimise the effect it might have on my loved ones. I've been with my partner nearly 8 years now and I'm almost certain I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for her. I don't know if I could ever tell her that last paragraph for the burden it would put on her, but for the first time in so long I actually want to stick around and I know I can make that count for something. I want to propose to her this year - it's been hard to think about that up until now because I was so convinced I wouldn't be here to follow through. Now I know I will." -Anonymous 

"I have been a mom for two years and it has been rough. I lost myself as a person and an athlete. I didn’t have my communities and felt so alone and unsupported while pregnant. The first year after I gave birth was mentally hard. I tried to find my place again but still felt distant. Any day I felt alone or that I could not do it I wore last year’s mental health shirt. But what is sad is that when I wore it no one cared to check in on me. A lot of people say it takes a village to raise kids but what happens when you don’t have a village?"  -Anonymous

"Its been tough this decade (I was going to put year but I would be fucking lying), tougher than most. Its hard to admit that I'm having a tough time and I'm ashamed. Its tough to see my family and friends hit goals and milestones I should have hit much earlier but hey, I fucked all my chances up. And here I sit in the middle of the night, contemplating whether I should still write more shitty poetry no one will ever care to read on Substack on some puzzle everyone likes. I'm a bad writer, a bad brother, a bad co-worker, and a bad friend. I have more shitty family dynamics than I could shake a stick at: fraudulent, lying, cheating, manipulative bullshit. My country is ran by scumbag CEOs and billionaires who don't care if people live or die, none of them can be trusted. I sit and think on all this with a deep glut of paranoia. I am beyond tired. Beyond angry. Sick of struggling. I have thought of suicide recently, felt hopelessness because of my financial insecurity. Me and self-sabotage are those long term blood brothers. Then I happened to see Mattie Rogers wearing that 'I am Enough' shirt on Instagram and felt inspired to write this (hell, I'm surprised it was fucking anything because I'm a shit writer) for the first time in a long fucking time. I completely forgot it was Mental Health Awareness Month. For some reason I feel better writing all this down. T here's an exercise that says define your life in six words. I want mine to always be, "I do the best I can." Because I did and I still do. And no one, not even my shitty family can make me feel bad about that. I go to therapy, I work through my anger. One foot in front of the other. I don't even have enough money for her damn shirt but I'll get there. I may be fucking unknown on social media, but I'm still here. I'm a self-sabotaging fuckup, but I'm still here. Nobody will read this or care, but I'm still here. I'm broke as fuck, but I'm still here. I'm not really okay, but I'm still here. It's okay to admit that. I want to be better, I want to be happier. I am a work in progress. I don't know what my anchor is, but I hope its heavy as fuck." -Anonymous

"I never realized how much I had gone through and how much it affected me. In the summer of 2021 I lost multiple friends to an attack while they were deployed in Afghanistan. That incident took me down a really dark path and left me there for years. It started with isolating from everyone and refusing to talk about my feelings and what I was going through. I felt responsible and guilty but there was nothing that I could do. My friends were gone and I was still here. I didn't notice it at first. I was sad and grieving but I was just fine and I was moving on - or so I told myself. I quickly found myself going down the path of alcohol and substance abuse. I was drinking nearly every day at work at home and everywhere in between. The darkness only got worse. It took me deeper and farther and I refused the help that I was being offered. At this point all I wanted to do was die. But it became my personality for the most part. I knew there was more behind how I was feeling but none of it was as socially acceptable and losing friends to military service. That didn't make me feel weak or ashamed. I felt like I could express that losing my friends hurt me but I couldn't express that my cousin sexually assaulted and raped me or that I had religious traumas and abandonment issues or that my family dynamic was slowly killing me. All of those felt too real. Those felt too personal and too embarrassing so I kept them locked away while working with my therapist on my friends and how I missed them. It took me years to realize that I would never heal if I only wanted one part of me to heal. I had to be willing to face and confront my deepest pains and most embarrassing parts if I was ever going to heal and get to where I wanted to be. It's been incredibly difficult and there's still so much work left but it's worth it! The setbacks come and progress isn't perfectly linear but making any progress is worth it. Im so glad that I was able to find the strength to acknowledge all of the issues and hurt and started to truly work towards healing. Im glad that I was able to accept that it's not embarrassing to be hurt. It's not something to be ashamed of. It's just something that has happened. Hiding behind the embarrassment that I felt for so long kept me in such a bad place. It's not embarrassing to find help and find healing." -Anonymous

"In college I started dating someone that did not value me as a person. He used me for sex and was mentally abusive making me feel inadequate, ugly, stupid, and worthless. He continually slept with other people but made me feel like it was because I wasn’t enough. I felt like I should move on from the situation. I distanced myself and began trying to find someone that would care for me. I found someone I liked but could not get away from my abuser completely. He found out I had been seeing someone else and began posting nude photos of me, my full name, and my address on a public forum that everyone in the area had access to. So many people saw me vulnerable. So many disgusting people sent me awful messages. Still, I felt this was my own fault. I had caused this to happen. I cried out of embarrassment but still felt I needed him in my life. He used this vulnerability to make me do things sexually that I had not been willing to do previously. I had never felt so low..so broken I was a shell of my former self. When I was finally able to break away from this (1.5 years later), I began to deal with the issues that follow me 10 years later. I have severe trust issues. I struggle with my self confidence and worth. I have severe social anxiety that every person I see has seen my pictures or I worry what they think of me. I still struggle to see how this wasn’t my own fault. I am married now and my husband is the only person who knows this full story. He understands my anxiety and frustration. There are so many wonderful people in this world that can make you feel seen and loved..even if you feel broken." -Anonymous 

"I grew up in a religious cult. It was normal to have multiple wives and be married to your relative. I was raised in this with one foot in one foot out situation. While I didn’t have plural moms, I was still told I have to wear long skirts and dresses. Most of my cousins and friends had multiple moms and it was just the way it was. Men were abusive and regularly endorsing rape. I was brought to church as young as 7. I didn’t know what the fuck they were talking about. I remember the brothers would just yell. And slam his hands down. And the one thing I do remember; he was telling women to obey. I knew at a young age this wasn’t for me. Now I live states away, some of my family still practices the religion, some don’t. I don’t. I haven’t been inside of a church since my younger years. I am so scared I can even imagine looking into religion now. My family is dysfunctional, to put it into a word. But it’s more than that. My mom is a narcissist and makes me feel small and not worthy of love or success. But gets upset if I don’t follow in her footsteps. She doesn’t ask how I am, even though I work at the same company as her. I got engaged and she made it about herself. I’m getting married very soon and I did not invite my parents. Only 2 members of my large family will be in attendance. I joined the military as a reservist in 2022 and shipped out to training Aug 2023. I spent my 25th birthday with yelling drill sgts. I graduated. My mom said she was going to be a graduation and even confirmed in letters we exchanged during training. I only came to find out she didn’t come when I was getting tapped out by my now fiance. She chose (yes chose) work over one of the biggest achievements of my life. Unfortunately, military really screwed me up. With my job I have panic attacks I was diagnosed with with PTSD, depression, anxiety, OCD, and bipolar disorder. I’ve been to therapy every week for the past 14 months. I still struggle from being in an emotionally abusive relationship 4-5 years ago. Sometimes I still have nightmares. I’m not sure where to go from here. Im 26 and I don’t have many friends. I feel like my family is just drifting farther and farther away. I feel like no one is excited for my wedding. I am so excited to get married but it suck’s not having the community and the sister hood. I promised myself I would end this on a good or motivational note so here it goes. I am proud I am setting boundaries with my mother. I am proud of myself for graduating from military training. My wedding is going to be fun even if no one shows up. We are going to get all dressed up and eat good food and cake. I will find friends that care about me and support me. I am so grateful for my fiance and my rescue pups that get to sit next to me while I work from home. I cannot control everything but I can control how I respond. 💓" -Anonymous