035: For the first time in so long, I actually want to stick around

"It took me about 3 hours just to write out the below. I'm sure you know words are tough. I've battled with my own mental health for as long as I can really remember. I had a fairly standard upbringing and, besides a pretty run of the mill parental divorce when I was still a toddler, couldn't point to any great trauma or trigger - which always led to an overwhelming sense of guilt for being anything other than a happy kid.

I started SH'ing at age 12. It came in waves but I struggled intermittently through to around age 18 or 19, where I sort of scared myself out of it. Thankfully I'm 34 now and have never gone back there since, but I don't think I ever stopped struggling. I was on-and-off a few different medications throughout my 20s, some worked but some made it worse. I went through a really toxic relationship that put me in a deep hole and even gave me stress-induced alopecia (it came back, I still look great).

For a very long time, up until maybe 6-8 months ago I had thoughts of ending my life on a near daily basis. I didn't make plans, I didnt have real intention, but I couldn't get away from it. I was always so certain that, eventually, whenever it finally happened, that would be how I would go. When it was really bad, I sometimes had to pull my car to the side of the road because the thought of steering into oncoming traffic was getting too intrusive. I went to sleep at night thinking about how I could do it in a way that would minimise the effect it might have on my loved ones.

I've been with my partner nearly 8 years now and I'm almost certain I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for her. I don't know if I could ever tell her that last paragraph for the burden it would put on her, but for the first time in so long I actually want to stick around and I know I can make that count for something. I want to propose to her this year - it's been hard to think about that up until now because I was so convinced I wouldn't be here to follow through. Now I know I will."

-Anonymous