"I have struggled with mental health my entire life. Growing up with a mom that has severe PTSD from her abusive childhood, and a dad that was emotionally detached because his brother was murdered a few months before you were born led me to self isolate at a young age. I also learned to people please very quickly; I couldn’t upset my parents because it would turn into a screaming match. I always felt that I had to be perfect in every possible way, and that was too much pressure… So I isolated and didn’t talk to anyone.
When I was 14, a tornado ripped apart everything that I knew and loved this is when I first started to have anxiety attacks. Undiagnosed autistic at the time, it felt like there was absolutely no consistency, and I had no control over anything in my life. I started to self harm. I ended up in my first inpatient stay where I was heavily medicated for over a month. I barely remember it, or the years following; I was numb and felt no emotion at all. They threw out a laundry list of diagnoses, I disagree with all of them now, but at the time I started to make them an identity. Major depressive disorder, OCD, borderline personality disorder, anorexia nervosa, generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, Asperger’s… leaving the inpatient facility, I felt like my parents were disappointed in me and felt like I was faulty.
I somehow made it through college, and decided to move away from my family. This was in the peak of Covid and I took on so much stress during this season. I miss my family, but didn’t know how to express that I was struggling because it would only open up the can of worms of my mental health. shortly after this move, my best friend was killed in a car accident. I was an absolute wreck. I started self harming again. Thoughts of suicide were not uncommon. I hated everything about my life and genuinely thought that things would be better for the world if I were not here and then to make everything better, I lost my job.
The month after this are a bit of a blur. They all kinda just blend together. I was just living life and trying to get by. Finances were extremely tight, and I had no one around me who knew anything about me; no friends, no family, nothing. I started going back to therapy, and this is when we defined that all my issues stemmed from multiple points of PTSD in my life.
Though I was going through therapy, things were still extremely difficult. I started having extreme health issues that were debilitating and made day-to-day life miserable. I still deal with these health issues, but I know how to manage a lot better now. I think that it all started because my system was working on overdrive for too long and it got overworked and fried my wires or something lol
I started seeing a chiropractor, and that turned into a really horrible situation. She was married and had a child, and eventually confess her love for me. There is A LOT that goes into this, but ultimately, I changed to a different chiropractor. This led to a very dark season where I attempt to take my life and ended back up in a mental health facility for a few days.
There’s a lot of other things that go into my story and I really wish that I could say that I’m 100% better from everything, but that would be a lie. What I have learned though is that I desperately need friends and community. It makes a world of a difference to have people supporting you; people you know that love you and care about you and for you! Since my lastinpatient stay, I have been very intentional to try to build community and find “my people.” I have decorated my house to make it feel like a home, and am eager to invite people over to my space. I do my best to not isolate anymore because I know that it is a trigger for all of my mental health issues. I don’t have to be in control of everything, as long as I know that I can control the small things that I can control.
My mental health is still horrible, I still struggle with self harm, and I think I will be a lifelong therapy goer (and I am proud of this), but there is always hope because I have my people.
I’m not sure why I’m sharing all of this. I really wish I had a really happy ending and that I’m living happily ever after and have 1 million friends and have redeemed my relationship with my family, and have resolved all of my emotional triggers… That’s just not the case. However, I have fought through so many things That have ultimately made me tougher. In a way, they have also made me weaker, and I am grateful for that. It has shown me how to be gracious towards others and know that they are going through their own shit too. It’s hard to be mad at other people when you think about the fact that they are healing from their own emotional trauma as well."
-Anonymous
