"I’m a resident physician and almost two years ago I gave birth to my son, who is now the absolute light of my life.
I barely remember the first few days after my son was born, but I vividly remember feeling like something was wrong with me because I didn’t feel bonded to him immediately. Every time he cried it felt like nails on a chalkboard and like there wasn’t enough space in the house. I started to spiral into so much self doubt because I didn’t feel like I loved my son enough because I was always looking forward to having space away from him. At first I was irritable and angry, and then I became apathetic. My OB diagnosed me with PPD and I started medication, and eventually was able to feel more like myself enough to enjoy some time with him before my leave ended. When I went back to work I was grateful for space from home, but also felt incredibly guilty because I was glad to be working and not taking care of my son all day, every day.
Even though I was grateful to be back doing what I loved, I left the house anxious every day that I was missing major milestones, not working hard enough to catch up on my surgical training, worried about producing enough breast milk….the list goes on. But I kept showing up. I kept trying. I asked for help when I needed it. It took months to really feel “normal,” but I’m proud I didn’t give up on myself. It was really fucking hard, but I’m proud I bet on myself. I’m grateful I was brave enough to be honest with my doctor when I was depressed in those early weeks. Bet on yourself. You are worth it."
-Kortnie B.
